Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize