So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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