Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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