That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We have so much sex to catch up on
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
