I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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