ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We smell like vodka and hangover
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