Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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