I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
