Do you still have your period?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
