Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize