You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
