This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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