she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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