and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
