I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
