so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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