y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
