I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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