Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
