He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
