I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
