I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You dont lie about slip and slides
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
