I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
