the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
