My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
