I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
