Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
