You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
