The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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