she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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