He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
