I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
