i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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