So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
