he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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