i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
