who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
