Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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