I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
