So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
