If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
