Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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