Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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