Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
