i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
