I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Damn victory sex feels great
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
