Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
