what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
