the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
