If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
