My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
