ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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