My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
A bitchslap is in order.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
