giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize