you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
